Bomma to Nation: Your Lives Suck So Bad That Only I Can Save You
Speaking of messiahs, the one thing I like better about Jesus compared to Bomma is that he didn’t spend all his time telling people how crappy they had it. It wasn’t like he roamed Judea flogging folks with worried-over sound bites about how badly the Romans were beating them. But fast-forward a couple milennia and it turns out messiahship is all about low bar-setting and expectations management.
What a time to be alive! I feel enriched by the historical nature of the Obama presidency already.
The Scene: February 22, 2009.
The Event: The Messiahsident’s Address to a Joint Session of Congress
The Commentary: (Uh — see below.)
You don’t need to hear another list of statistics to know that our economy is in crisis…
Sounds like someone doesn’t want to have to deal with a fact check!
It’s the job you thought you’d retire from but now have lost; the business you built your dreams upon that’s now hanging by a thread; the college acceptance letter your child had to put back in the envelope.
Man — so at this point, I realize he’s not actually talking to me and I’m wondering whether that means I should just stop listening. I mean, he’s obviously talking to other people, unhappy people, depressed people. People who watch way too much television. I mean, I’m all for feeling sorry for oneself, but that doesn’t mean it’s someone else’s job to cheer you up. Plus, the true-audience’s child didn’t *have* to put the acceptance letter back in the envelope. Could’ve thrown it away or whatever. Or maybe — this is crazy, but hear me out — he could work his way through school. Nah, that’s stupid.
We will rebuild, we will recover, and the United States of America will emerge stronger than before.
Rebuild?! What on earth are we re-building? We live in an era of such high standard-of-living that seven-year-olds can reasonably own their own web-enabled smartphones. What part of that are we going to rebuild? Are we concerned that now only nine-years-old and above are getting smart phones now? Yes, we must rebuild.
The answers to our problems don’t lie beyond our reach. They exist in … the pride of the hardest-working people on Earth.
“Hardest-working people on Earth” — is he talking about Qatar (#1 per capita GDP according to the IMF), Luxemburg (#1 per capita GDP according to the World Bank), or Liechtenstein (#1 per capita GDP per the CIA)? Or maybe South Korea, where workers have the longest work-week in the first world? I’m hoping he means Luxemburg or Liechtenstein — if pride’s what saves us from this, the seventh circle of Hell, personal experience tells me we should be betting on Europeans.
We have known for decades that our survival depends on finding new sources of energy.
Because the current “sun” just isn’t cutting it. Let’s build a new sun, a brighter one. (See, because the sun is the planet’s primary source of energy and…)
Yet we import more oil today than ever before.
Could this be because foreign oil is generally less expensive than domestically-produced? Maybe? No? Yes? What are we thinkin’?
A surplus became an excuse to transfer wealth to the wealthy instead of an opportunity to invest in our future.
Basis for this claim?
And all the while, critical debates and difficult decisions were put off for some other time on some other day.
Well that day of reckoning has arrived, and the time to take charge of our future is here.
Bomma saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the [uh, wherever we're all supposed to want to head], but by me.
Now is the time to jumpstart job creation, re-start lending, and invest in areas like energy, health care, and education that will grow our economy, even as we make hard choices to bring our deficit down. That is what my economic agenda is designed to do, and that’s what I’d like to talk to you about tonight.
Eat more junk food and lose weight! Next up for Bomma: perpetual motion!
Not because I believe in bigger government – I don’t.
Uh — really? I wish he’d expound on this, because I haven’t seen too much coming from the executive that doesn’t seem likely to massively expand the size of government. How big, Dear Leader, *do* you think government should be? Are you saying you don’t believe in “bigger government”, or do you just mean “bigger government”?
I called for action because the failure to do so would have cost more jobs and caused more hardships. In fact, a failure to act would have worsened our long-term deficit by assuring weak economic growth for years.
Basis? Look, they tried this all through the Great Depression and jobs programs didn’t end it. What’s gonna be different this time through? Seriously, I’d like to hear more details about how the new WTA is going to revivify the economy whereas the old one ended up being nothing much more than an “at least we’re trying!” CYA maneuver.
…the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act is now law.
Oh, well then it’s a law now — America is now hereby recovered and reinvested. This was a good speech!
More than 90% of these jobs will be in the private sector – jobs rebuilding our roads and bridges; constructing wind turbines and solar panels; laying broadband and expanding mass transit.
Which is to say, 10% off the jobs will be working *directly* for the government and the other 90% will be private companies catching the trickle down from the government teat. And all the money is earmarked for projects that the free market has not yet deemed worthy of pursuit. I’m not all that libertarian about infrastructure, but I wonder why we’re hellbent on investing in inefficient means of generating electricity, not to mention modes of transportation that are likewise inefficient. I mean, everyone understands that Europe, a continent where railroad travel makes a ton of sense given the nearness of everything, can’t keep its trains running profitably — right? Everyone?
There are 57 police officers who are still on the streets of Minneapolis tonight…
…and thanks to me, those police officers can further contribute to the coffers of civic Minneapolis by pulling over motorists and handing out tickets for traveling at speeds the drivers felt were appropriate given their individual valuations of efficiency, economy, and safety. Thanks to me.
Because of this plan, 95% of the working households in America will receive a tax cut – a tax cut that you will see in your paychecks beginning on April 1st.
More spending, less tax revenue. Genius! Betcha ol’ W wishes he woulda thought of that one!
Here in Washington, we’ve all seen how quickly good intentions can turn into broken promises and wasteful spending. And with a plan of this scale comes enormous responsibility to get it right.
Kudos for inserting a space in his speech where a serious evaluation of the counter-arguments *could have* taken place. But isn’t that second sentence a line from Spider Man?
And we have created a new website called recovery.gov so that every American can find out how and where their money is being spent.
Kidding aside, even lip-service to transparency is refreshing. The inability to realize that larger organizations (read: the federal government) are less able to efficiently make decisions than smaller organizations (read: uh, the individual?) is somewhat less refreshing. But still, at least there’s the veneer of a possibility of transparency, which is, right, refreshing.
You should also know that the money you’ve deposited in banks across the country is safe; your insurance is secure; and you can rely on the continued operation of our financial system. That is not the source of concern.
Well, safe so long as you don’t mind having it wiped out by hyperinflation. But still, technically, “safe”.
You see, the flow of credit…
“You see…”?! The other nice thing about Jesus is that he didn’t usually talk down to people. “You see, little simpleton, the flow of credit…” Ugh. Save us from ourselves, o thou Great Bomma!
First, we are creating a new lending fund that represents the largest effort ever to help provide auto loans, college loans, and small business loans…
Woah, woah, woah — now this isn’t going to cost us anything, right? Or expand government? Because we’re aware of the current deficit and don’t want to grow it — right? And we’re opposed to bigger government? Right? Great One?
…we have launched a housing plan that will help responsible families facing the threat of foreclosure lower their monthly payments and re-finance their mortgages…
…and in so doing will keep housing prices artificially high and thereby punish those awful, irresponsible families who realized that housing prices were out-of-whack and therefore stayed out of the market. Stupid, irresponsible families. It’s unrefreshing that Bomma doesn’t pay lip service to the idea that home values are declining because they’ve been ridiculously over-valued.
I intend to hold these banks fully accountable for the assistance they receive, and this time, they will have to clearly demonstrate how taxpayer dollars result in more lending for the American taxpayer.
And we’re going to do this without a bigger government? So, who then will be performing this oversight? And the oversight isn’t going to introduce inefficiencies or cause ridiculous bureaucratic nightmares like Sorbanes-Oxley, right? Cuz we don’t like bigger governments, right? So, um — how’s this gonna work?
But while the cost of action will be great, I can assure you that the cost of inaction will be far greater…
But ye believe not, because ye are not of my sheep, as I said unto you. My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me … I and my father are one.
So when Bomma makes an assurance, you know it’s good!
So I know how unpopular it is to be seen as helping banks right now, especially when everyone is suffering in part from their bad decisions. I promise you – I get it.
But I also know that in a time of crisis, we cannot afford to govern out of anger, or yield to the politics of the moment.
Uh — we also can’t afford to govern out of an irrational bias toward action. The only passengers that died in the Hindenburg accident were the ones that jumped out of the blimp. They were the ones who took strong, decisive action in a time of grave emergency. Unfortunately, if the government’s actions work out as well as the jumpers’ — well, it’ll be like crewmembers throwing prudent bystanders out of the blimp to their deaths. Neat.
Our job is to govern with a sense of responsibility.
So if you steal all my money and spend it on stuff I don’t like, but you do it transparently and take full responsibility for your actions, then you’ve done your job. Again, neat.
It’s not about helping banks – it’s about helping people.
Actually it’s about *attempting* to help people by helping banks, but let’s not get caught up in semantics, oh great orator.
And then those workers will have money to spend, and if they can get a loan too, maybe they’ll finally buy that car, or open their own business.
Or, or, they’ll do what the Japanese did in that exact same situation: put their money in the bank and keep it there because thinks aren’t looking too swell. Or they’ll decide not to open their own businesses because the burden of government is too heavy to bear.
The only way this century will be another American century is if we confront at last the price of our dependence on oil and the high cost of health care; the schools that aren’t preparing our children and the mountain of debt they stand to inherit.
Again with the oil. Look: find a more efficient source of energy and the problem’s solved. Claiming oil issues is such easy pandering, I expect better from Chosen Ones. And are we going to address the high cost of health care by making government smaller, oh thou who despiseth large government? (Or just not “bigger”?) Reform malpractice laws maybe? No? Maybe?
My budget does not attempt to solve every problem or address every issue.
…, only the problems and issues that are politically expedient to solve and address and that will make for nice talking points the next time I have to give a speech.
For history tells a different story.
The story about how the WTA didn’t end the Great Depression…? It’s interesting. We have historical precedents for similar economic issues in the past, but somehow none of these are referenced by the Great One. Instead he talks about the trans-continental railroad and the moon landing. Everyone likes those, right? Well sure, fixing the economy is just like that. Very pleasant-happy!
Well I do not accept a future where the jobs and industries of tomorrow take root beyond our borders – and I know you don’t either.
Uh — wow. So from now on everything has to be invented in America or the great one is gonna be pissed. And so am I, apparently. (Oh wait, he’s not talking to me, he’s only talking to people who are suffering the awfulness of the current everything. My bad.)
Thanks to our recovery plan, we will double this nation’s supply of renewable energy in the next three years.
Without increasing the size or reach of government, right? Cuz I know how you don’t want bigger government.
And I believe the nation that invented the automobile cannot walk away from it.
And odds are the Germans won’t, but I don’t see what that has to do with…
None of this will come without cost, nor will it be easy.
I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it.
But this is America. We don’t do what’s easy.
Doesn’t explain all the tv-watching and fat people, but sure — sounds nice.
When it was days old, this Congress passed a law to provide and protect health insurance for eleven million American children whose parents work full-time.
And this was without increasing the size or scope of government, right?
…a down-payment on the principle that we must have quality, affordable health care for every American.
But what if not every American wants or needs what you’re giving them (or directly or indirectly forcing them to fund)? Or what if they value something other than their own healthcare? That sort of matters, right? Great One?
And half of the students who begin college never finish.
So now it’s the role of government to harp on people who decided they didn’t want to finish college? Right, right, Bomma doesn’t like bigger government, but, um…
We’ll invest in innovative programs that are already helping schools meet high standards and close achievement gaps.
And if the program’s innovative, you *know* it must be good! Does the federal government really think that bloated, inefficient state and local governments would be better off with another layer of bloated, inefficient government telling them what to do? Maybe — but it seems like more details of how *this* government intervention is going to work whereas its precedents have led our educational system to its current state of horribleness (which the Great Leader was kind enough to shed light on) should be forthcoming.
It is our responsibility as lawmakers and educators to make this system work.
Who gave you that responsibility? It’s not in the constitution. *I* sure didn’t vote to give this responsibility to you. Tell me where you got this responsibility. Please. Dear Leader.
(My other possible comment was gonna be: “The politics of failure have failed. We must make them work again!” But I was afraid of getting sued.)
And so tonight, I ask every American to commit to at least one year or more of higher education or career training.
“Gosh, hunny, I never done did want to go to college, but Great Leader says I should, so I’s gonna go downa communey college an’ sign me up some classes, yeh-huh!” I think the main reason people haven’t gone to college is because it never occurred to them. Now they have no excuse. Bomma: inspirer.
And dropping out of high school is no longer an option.
Uh — huh? In what sense, “no longer an option”? We passing a law? What’s the penalty? We’re going to *force* people to finish high school? Without increasing the size of government or the budget deficit…?
I speak to you not just as a President, but as a father…
…but as a father, the father of the country you might say, teaching you, his children, how to live better lives and become more like me, your father, your Great One, your beloved Bomma.
…and I want to pass a budget next year that ensures that each dollar we spend reflects only our most important national priorities.
Wow — that’s really gonna set this next budget apart!
In this budget, we will end education programs that don’t work and end direct payments to large agribusinesses that don’t need them.
The politics of failure have failed. We must make them…! Meh. Good on ‘im if it works out. Just forgive me if I wait till I see it before believing.
And he saith unto them, Why are ye fearful, O ye of little faith?
Well, just historical precedent, that’s all.
…finally ending the tax breaks for corporations that ship our jobs overseas.
Seriously, who do the politicians think these evil corporations are? Are they aware who owns them? Stockholders? Most of them American? Many of whom are middle-class? And are investing in them for their retirements? Through mutual funds and such? And that the values of these increase when corporate profits increase? Just curious. I mean, I really despise public ownership of corporations and all the hell that brings about, but still — whom are we trying to hurt here? If it’s everyone: well played!
…if your family earns less than $250,000 a year, you will not see your taxes increased a single dime.
But that $250K is cost-adjusted based on the cost-of-living for your area, right? Cuz otherwise, that would come off sounding like you’re punishing people for living in places like New York, Southern California, the Bay Area — and that seems a little, maybe, unfair. Or is the Dear Leader trying to get people to move to new locations in order to avoid tax penalties…?
Because I will not allow terrorists to plot against the American people from safe havens half a world away.
How is Obama personally going to prevent plotting? And it’s not the plotting that’s problematic anyway, it’s the carrying out of plots that causes problems. Just sayin’. I could plot my world takeover all night tonight, but it ain’t gonna amount to anything (this time). Someone wanna come bomb my house now? (No! That would mean more bad debt for the banking industry!)
…my budget increases the number of our soldiers and Marines. And to keep our sacred trust with those who serve, we will raise their pay, and give our veterans the expanded health care and benefits that they have earned.
Without expanding the deficit or the size of government…?
To overcome extremism, we must also be vigilant in upholding the values our troops defend…
Values such as dissing civilians who claim to have some right to know what the heck the military is doing? Oh, not necessarily that value? Got it.
For we know that America cannot meet the threats of this century alone, but the world cannot meet them without America.
Maybe it can. We should let it try for a while, see how it goes. Maybe. If you want. Dear Leader. Please. Sorry. Thank you.
(The *century* is threatening us now?)
To seek progress toward a secure and lasting peace between Israel and her neighbors, we have appointed an envoy to sustain our effort.
Finally! An envoy! There will be peace at last!
For in our (the executive and legislative branches’) hands lies the ability to shape our world for good or for ill.
See, and that’s where the problem comes in. And the self-aggrandizement. And the self-appointed responsibility. And the God complex.
She has been told that her school is hopeless, but the other day after class she went to the public library and typed up a letter to the people sitting in this room. She even asked her principal for the money to buy a stamp. The letter asks us for help, and says, “We are just students trying to become lawyers, doctors, congressmen like yourself and one day president, so we can make a change to not just the state of South Carolina but also the world. We are not quitters.”
Well, except for the ones who end up quitting. No matter, though, it strikes a nice emotional chord. Besides, no one’s ever going to bother to follow up and see how many of those kids graduate high school, let alone become lawyers (heaven forbid), doctors (who’ll either be hamstrung by malpractice insurance or socialized medicine), or congressmen (arguably the most corrupt, insipid profession in the country) to understand whether telling the story was fair or just emotionally manipulative.
They’re also unlikely to become presidents.
And on that note…