The Functional Parties
It’s occurred to me on a number of occasions how unfortunate it is that the USA was the first modern republican democracy, in no small part because of our government’s evolution into a two-party system. When you look at an election in Israel or Germany and see all the colorful parties (and party abbreviations!) that get represented in their government — man, how can you not feel you’re the victim of our constitution’s first-mover disadvantage?
But then it occurred to me: I was wrong (sort of). We might look like a two-party system, but in reality our homegrown politicians represent a veritable cornucopia of political belief-buckets. And if we were to classify these buckets as full-fledged parties, well…
It’s a first pass and a work-in-progress, but such as it is, here are the bucket-parties I’ve discerned thusfar.
The We’re Going to Own Every Part of Your Lives and Force You to Be an Evangelical Christian Party (WGOEPYLFYBECP)
Current Member: George W. Bush, Bill Frist, Mike Huckabee, et al
Party Icon: Karl Rove
Outlook: Kind of dim unless you’re running for governor in a southern state or aspire to becoming a docent at the GWB library.
The We’re Going to Own Every Part of Your Lives and Force You to Be a Secular Humanist Party (WGOEPYLFYBSHP)
Current Members: Hillary Clinton, John Kerry, Al Gore
Party Icon: LBJ
Outlook: Fate seems hopelessly intertwined with that of the SPTDUW”S”P — is a merger imminent?
The We’re Going to Own Every Part of Your Lives, but You Can Be Jewish If You Want Party (WGOEPYLYCBJIYWP)
Current Member: Joseph Lieberman
Party Icon: Uh, Joseph Lieberman…
Outlook: Either very, very lonely or very, very popular, depending on the wind direction and what we’re voting on today.
The Nominal Conservatives Who Use Dartboards for Policy Making Party (NCWUDPMP)
Current Members: John McCain, Condoleezza Rice, Tim Pawlenty
Party Icon: Richard Nixon (pre-Watergate — or maybe post-Watergate? Hold on, let me have a toss…)
Outlook: According to legend, will reawaken and reclaim the throne when ravens cease to fly around the mountain.
The Somewhat Electable Libertarians Party (SELP)
Current Members: Ron Paul, Mark Sanford
Party Icon: Ayn Rand
Outlook: Given the number of Ron Paul supporters who ship-jumped over to the historic Obama campaign — let’s just say: uncertain.
The Whoever You Want Me to Be, That’s Who I Am Party (WYWMBTWIAP)
Current Members: Bill Clinton, Arnold Schwartzenegger
Party Icon: Tom from Ray Bradbury’s short story “The Martian” (click on the link, scroll down, you’ll find it and probably not be as impressed as you would’ve been if you would’ve known what I was talking about prior to going to Wikipedia).
Outlook: When you stand for nothing and smile a lot, the world should always be your oyster.
The Ronald Reagan Deification Party (RRDP)
Current Members: Newt Gingrich, Fred Thompson
Party Icon: Bonzo — just kidding. The Ronald Reagan Deification Party party icon is Ronald Reagan.
Outlook: According to legend, will reawaken and reclaim the throne when ravens cease to fly around the mountain.
The Mormons for Big Government Party (MBGP)
Current Members: Harry Reid, Orrin Hatch, that Utah governor dude
Party Icon: Brigham Young, but it might be a misappropriation
Outlook: Marginalized, but on the plus side it’s no longer legal to kill them in Missouri.
The Socialist Party That Doesn’t Use the Word “Socialist” Party (SPTDUW”S”P)
Current Members: Historic President Barack Obama, Joseph Biden, Barney Frank
Party Icon: FDR
Outlook: According to RCP’s Poll Aggregator, about 60% approving but with a growing sense of disapproval.
And oh! how the political landscape now looks richer…