But then it occurred to me: I was wrong (sort of). We might look like a two-party system, but in reality our homegrown politicians represent a veritable cornucopia of political belief-buckets. And if we were to classify these buckets as full-fledged parties, well…

It’s a first pass and a work-in-progress, but such as it is, here are the bucket-parties I’ve discerned thusfar.

The We’re Going to Own Every Part of Your Lives and Force You to Be an Evangelical Christian Party (WGOEPYLFYBECP)
Current Member: George W. Bush, Bill Frist, Mike Huckabee, et al
Party Icon: Karl Rove
Outlook: Kind of dim unless you’re running for governor in a southern state or aspire to becoming a docent at the GWB library.

The We’re Going to Own Every Part of Your Lives and Force You to Be a Secular Humanist Party (WGOEPYLFYBSHP)
Current Members: Hillary Clinton, John Kerry, Al Gore
Party Icon: LBJ
Outlook: Fate seems hopelessly intertwined with that of the SPTDUW”S”P — is a merger imminent?

The We’re Going to Own Every Part of Your Lives, but You Can Be Jewish If You Want Party (WGOEPYLYCBJIYWP)
Current Member: Joseph Lieberman
Party Icon: Uh, Joseph Lieberman…
Outlook: Either very, very lonely or very, very popular, depending on the wind direction and what we’re voting on today.

The Nominal Conservatives Who Use Dartboards for Policy Making Party (NCWUDPMP)
Current Members: John McCain, Condoleezza Rice, Tim Pawlenty
Party Icon: Richard Nixon (pre-Watergate — or maybe post-Watergate? Hold on, let me have a toss…)
Outlook: According to legend, will reawaken and reclaim the throne when ravens cease to fly around the mountain.

The Somewhat Electable Libertarians Party (SELP)
Current Members: Ron Paul, Mark Sanford
Party Icon: Ayn Rand
Outlook: Given the number of Ron Paul supporters who ship-jumped over to the historic Obama campaign — let’s just say: uncertain.

The Whoever You Want Me to Be, That’s Who I Am Party (WYWMBTWIAP)
Current Members: Bill Clinton, Arnold Schwartzenegger
Party Icon: Tom from Ray Bradbury’s short story “The Martian” (click on the link, scroll down, you’ll find it and probably not be as impressed as you would’ve been if you would’ve known what I was talking about prior to going to Wikipedia).
Outlook: When you stand for nothing and smile a lot, the world should always be your oyster.

The Ronald Reagan Deification Party (RRDP)
Current Members: Newt Gingrich, Fred Thompson
Party Icon: Bonzo — just kidding. The Ronald Reagan Deification Party party icon is Ronald Reagan.
Outlook: According to legend, will reawaken and reclaim the throne when ravens cease to fly around the mountain.

The Mormons for Big Government Party (MBGP)
Current Members: Harry Reid, Orrin Hatch, that Utah governor dude
Party Icon: Brigham Young, but it might be a misappropriation
Outlook: Marginalized, but on the plus side it’s no longer legal to kill them in Missouri.

The Socialist Party That Doesn’t Use the Word “Socialist” Party (SPTDUW”S”P)
Current Members: Historic President Barack Obama, Joseph Biden, Barney Frank
Party Icon: FDR
Outlook: According to RCP’s Poll Aggregator, about 60% approving but with a growing sense of disapproval.

And oh! how the political landscape now looks richer…

This seems like a classic case of Clayton Christensen’s “disruptive innovation” overwhelming a traditional business model. An old-school enterprise has to maintain its old-school practices in order to keep its reliable cash cow alive. As soon as they try to switch up what they’re doing, they risk starving the cow and having nothing to show for it. Shareholders won’t stand for *that*. The problem comes when people start overwhelmingly preferring soy milk and you’re entirely invested in dairy cattle. At that point the game’s just over and your job is to maintain your dignity and go out as a good loser.

I don’t see the benefit of expending energy to “save newspapers”. People want news, others want to provide it, but why does the NYT (or any other old-model business) need to profit from the exchange? Organizations are what they are and when they try to change their DNA, they usually fail (like when United Airlines decided they were more than just an airline and bought Hertz and Westin and started calling themselves “Allegis”). If an organization doesn’t start out with adaptation and evolution at its core, it risks getting innovated out of existence by better, later substitutes.

From a business perspective, I think the best course of action for the daily newspapers is to downscope in order to stay profitable as long as possible (like a couple of the other commenters said) and when the run finally ends (next year?), be dignified enough to just curl up by the fire and quietly pass on. I’m guessing, instead, of course, they’ll start lobbying congress to keep them on life support and prop up their antiquated models and then we’ll all get to endure story after story on NPR about how society is toilet-bound due to the struggles of major newspapers. Or I suppose I could just turn the radio off.

And yes, of course, this is coming from someone stupid enough to think people were ready to pay for online content six years ago, so — you know.